My brain is jumbled up with a thousand things right now, and not a one of them can I tell about on here. It sometimes sucks to have people actually read this, because I can't actually put my true feelings down sometimes. I'm a woman with secrets and dreams all my own, that no one will ever know about, and sometimes I want to scream because I want things to be known, but then again, I don't because I am in fear of the consequences if people knew certain things that I felt about them. The quote from the movie, Titanic, comes to mind when the old Rose says "A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets." How true is that? Everybody probably has at least one person they tell "everything" to, but there are still some things we keep to ourselves that go beyond "everything". There are certain feelings and thoughts that I have from time to time, if I told anyone what they were, they'd probably either think I was a really sinful person or would call Lakeside almost immediately to have me admitted. Is this normal? I guess the KEY here is to keep certain thoughts under control and not act upon them...just keep them as thoughts, never tell a soul, and carry them to your grave. As humans, can we really keep from thinking certain things? Yes, we can control ourselves from carrying thoughts out, but can we really stop thinking such thoughts? It's an internal, eternal struggle to keep my mind from drifting backwards to different points in my life and to ask myself "Why didn't I do that differently?" This is not to say that I regret the way my life turned out, because I do not IN THE LEAST. It just all goes back to the fact that I cannot help some of the things that I think about, and wish that I could correct some mistakes I made along the way. And no matter how badly I want to tell someone, and no matter how hard I try to just send the message to someone else's brain via telepathy (no, I don't really believe in telepathy), I can't because there's no telling whose feelings would be hurt or what trouble could be stirred up or who I would scare away. I grew up learning from Mr. Rogers (don't laugh)...he always said it's okay to feel the way you feel, so if he says it's okay, then maybe I'm really not crazy. I really hate keeping secrets, especially when they are my own. Ask anybody that knows me well...I will eventually spill it.

Happy 25th Birthday to Michael!!

and

Happy 51st Birthday to my Mom!!

Two big important birthdays in my family on the same day, and I have some birthday shopping to do. Yeah, I'm a last-minute birthday shopper, but that's alright. And I already have a pretty good idea what I'm getting them, but it's not like I can tell on here yet, because people read this thing and word might get out.

Tonight we're going to eat with Michael's parents, wherever Michael chooses, and then we have to go to the store to get some tailgating food. Yes, we decided (at least for today) that we are going to leave early enough to go tailgate. Plus the fact that yesterday, Michael was in Schnucks buying cat food and they actually had MEMPHIS stuff in there...I must be in heaven...somewhere in Horn Lake has MEMPHIS stuff...and they had Memphis Tigers tailgating chairs for $24.95. Tiger Bookstore sells these same exact chairs for $39.99. Michael came home and told me about all the Tiger gear they were selling in there, and I was like "For heaven's sakes, go back and buy the chairs!!" So he did. We were in the market for some tailgating chairs, but decided we were probably going to have to settle for some plain blue ones without the Tiger logo, since those are a lot less expensive, and VOI LA!

I keep forgetting to mention this, but last week I made the news AGAIN. I already wrote about being on Fox 13, but THIS time I was on News Channel 3. Tara Packmeyer (sp??) was walking around the tailgating area at ASU last Saturday, and she stopped right beside us and asked some of us to get up and stand behind her and cheer and yell and stuff, so me and maybe 8 or 9 others did, and later on, I had completely forgotten about it and a few days later, someone told me they saw me on there. So, I made the news twice in one week. Not too shabby.

Well, it's time for me to go get myself ready to go. I am not about to go into the Tiger Bookstore AGAIN with no makeup on...NO WAY! Ooops...I just gave myself away. MAYBE Michael won't read this before I get back. Maybe?

I finished Michael's algebra, so now all I have to do is explain it to him tonight after supper. Oh, is THAT ALL I have to do? Gee.

A hot jacuzzi bath does wonders for headaches, by the way. Yeah, so I'm spoiled since I have a big huge bathtub, but I deserve at least ONE luxury, don't I? If we ever do sell this place, that bathtub is ONE thing I will miss.

I was just thinking about some other stuff I wanted to write about while I was in the tub, but now I can't remember. That is too dorky...I think about my blog in the tub! It was something deep and abstract though, which I don't write enough of. It might scare some people off though, which would be cool, lol. Like, those people that lurk around on here but don't ever make themselves known? Those people need to go away. I wish there was a way that I could SEE who reads this, without them knowing I know. I am such a nerd sometimes. Wait, I'm ALWAYS a nerd...always have been, always will be. I used to be a nerdy band chick that beat on a drum, and now I'm a nerdy mom that bangs on a piano. Some things never change.

Some nights I really don't feel like cooking, especially on nights when I have to spend hours trying to explain stuff I don't really know how to explain. Like, I told Michael that I really don't know WHY on a lot of this algebra stuff...I just know how to get the right answers, and that's all he needs to know. I learned a long, long time ago, that unless you actually need to know what this crap is for, DON'T ask why....just B.S. it and get through it and be done with it. Of course, he really doesn't know how lucky he has it...he has an in-home private tutor, free of charge.

It's really weird...lately I have had more than one person ask me for dating advice. Like, do you really KNOW how long it's been since I went on a date or was part of the dating scene? The truth is, I have NEVER EVER just gone out on a date with someone. Well, okay, maybe once, when I was a freshman and the guy was a senior, and I begged my mom to let me go...she already kinda knew the guy from band, and then we went to the movies and he brought me back home and we never talked much again. My first REAL date where there were like already feelings flying everywhere, was when I was 15, but it was with a guy I'd known since 2nd grade and we'd been pretty good friends since 7th, and had already been "going together" for a couple months, and he'd been over to my house a hundred thousand times, so my parents knew him. And then the other person was the man I married...we had already met in person, talked on the phone, talked online, e-mail each other...all within a week's time like a bazillion times, and by the time we went on our first date a week later, we were already like dead serious about getting married. So no, I really don't know anything about JUST dating. Like, going out to eat with a person, just taking things slow, getting to know the person, no strings attached, no hurt feelings if it doesn't work out....that is something I NEVER got involved in. I wonder if I missed out on something? No way....I don't think I am sorry for missing out on sitting by the phone, wondering if they'd call me back for a 2nd date, or having 1st date after 1st date after 1st date, showing the world the klutz that I am every single time. I almost feel SPOILED that I found the person I'd marry so quickly, and KNOW that was the person I'd marry the first time I ever saw him. It's like, there was no question about it. We met, it was instantaneous and 6 months later we were setting our wedding date, and a year after that, got married. I just didn't want to waste any time. I found the person, so why waste time and wait around for our paths to take different direction? So no, I didn't date around. Did I rob myself of anything? I don't think so. So back to what I was saying, I am really no good at giving dating advice. I can give advice about serious relationships (most of the time), but not just dating. If you are dating someone that you're not serious with, just quit complaining, and move on and find someone else to date. If you are pursuing a serious relationship with that person and want to work it out, just remember...Guys? Girls are mushy, emotional individuals that will cry their eyes out over the stupidest stuff....and Girls? Guys will NOT always buy you roses to smooth things over. It's just a fact of life. Okay, there's my piece of advice for the day.

I don't know why I didn't post yesterday. I really meant to, but every time I even thought about sitting down to the computer, I got sidetracked, plus I've was trying to finish a book I've been reading. Plus yesterday afternoon I took the kids on a picnic at the park here in my subdivision, which was fun, except it just so happened to be the same time the dang mowers were out there spitting grass everywhere, making us all sneeze.

I have one monster of a headache right now, and I would love to be able to sleep it off, but with two little ones in the house, that's not much of an option.

I'm such a dingleberry. YESTERDAY (I think?) was the first day of fall, NOT the day before like I previously posted. That's what I get for ASSUMING the 21st of September is always the first day of fall.

And what the HECK is up with Ivan?? Like, when I first read about that at weatherchannel.com, I thought it had to be a typo and they forgot to change the name or something, and then I learned that it is the SAME hurricane that hit the Florida/Alabama coastline and moved northward, over Pennsylvania, out into the Atlantic, and THEN made its way back down south and cross the Florida Peninsula and is now threatening the Gulf Coast of Louisiana and Texas?!?!?!? Has this EVER happened in recorded HISTORY?!?!?! In my lifetime, I've never heard of this. When I read about it on a message board last night, I seriously thought it was a JOKE!

Michael's birthday is tomorrow, and then Saturday is the UAB game in Birmingham. I guess our couple's retreat with church got cancelled. We have heard so many things on it...it's gone back and forth, back and forth, and now we're to the point we don't really care. Friday is Michael's birthday, and he'd rather do something on his birthday than go downtown to eat with everyone and stay in a hotel. The original plan was for all couple's that were interested at our church, to sign up on the sign-up sheet and reserve a room at this hotel we'd found downtown. We were planning to all meet at Spaghetti Warehouse downtown to have dinner, then go to the conference at the hotel and a somebody from another church would come and speak to us about marriage, and then we would all stay overnight in the hotel, and have an activity on Saturday. Well, apparently several couples backed out, well, not TOTALLY backed out, but just decided that paying the $100 for a hotel room just wasn't even worth it since we're not actually going OUT OF TOWN, plus not everyone can find an overnight babysitter. MOST of us are really short on money and don't have $100 to spend on a hotel room when we can just go home and go to bed. That's a no-brainer. As of Sunday, I think only 3 couples were going to be able to do the hotel thing, and so I asked if we were going to atleast still go do something, go eat somewhere, and I was told I'd hear something by Wednesday. Wednesday came and went and we didn't hear anything. OH WELL. That settles it for us. We're going to go do what Michael wants to do for his birthday, whatever that might be. We ALREADY weren't going to do the activity on Saturday because we are going to the football game in Birmingham. It's Michael's birthday weekend, dang it, and he can do what he wants for his birthday!

This weekend is just going to be ROUGH! Saturday we are planning (at least this hour) to leave at 12 Noon, drop off the kids, and make the drive to Birmingham, and then come back home that night. Well, Sunday morning it is my week to teach the 3 & 4-year-olds, and plus I think I'm singing in church. But then again, I haven't looked at the schedule lately, so I don't remember, and that's BAD because I MAKE THE SCHEDULE and I don't even know who's on it!!! PLUS Michael has to have his algebra test completed and ready to mail so it can be postmarked NO LATER THAN 9/27, MONDAY!! So that means we have to get it done by Sunday. We aren't going to get the test done TONIGHT because I have to finish teaching myself AND him the rest of Chapter 3, then FRIDAY is his birthday, and of course I wouldn't be so mean as to make him do algebra on his birthday, and then SATURDAY is the game, soooo....I think I will scream now.

I guess I need to go make my headache worse now by working on learning more algebra.

Do you HAVE any idea how freaking long it's been since I had to find length and midpoint of a line? I mean, the last time I even HEARD of a distance formula or midpoint formula was 10 freaking years ago. He's at school right now, and I just got my head out of Michael's algebra book, after an hour and a half of teaching this crap to myself again. I have to basically do the homework myself so I can learn it well enough to teach it to Michael. And my head is spinning in 6 different directions. I don't know what teachers this school has, but I was able to skip ahead to college algebra because I did well enough on my ACT, and this intermediate stuff is more complex than anything I had to do in college algebra. WHY??? College algebra was a BREEZE. Of course, I supposedly had the teacher that watered it down enough so average people that had to have algebra for their major but didn't have a math related major could pass it with flying colors. Michael must have the teachers that are teaching it for those that need it for their future careers. This totally sucks because it's up to ME to get him through this stuff, and I'm afraid I'm going to come to a point in the book where I cannot figure it out, and THEN what???

Anyway, there is now a PLAN C with our money situation, but I'm not supposed to say anything as of yet, so more on that later. Let's just say it will be a huge help and I will actually be able to pay the bills ON TIME, pay some medical bills that have been going unpaid for months now, and have a little left over, PLUS we were able to refinance our house. SO things are starting to look up in the money world, at least that is the outlook right now.

Michael will be home soon, then it's back to algebra crap. Lucky me! More later!

Happy Fall to all! It's the first day of fall, and it sure feels like it this morning. I am sitting here covered up in a blaket because I'm FREEZING and no A/C is running. Must drink more coffee to warm my belly.

So onto Plan B about our money woes. Michael's decided to go back to FedEx and work the graveyard shift. At least until Christmas so we can actually have money to give the kids a Christmas. Maybe Michael can survive on 5 hours sleep. Maybe he can stay in school, too, if he drops his 8 a.m. class and keeps his online class and Tuesday night class. He said me going back to work just isn't an option. Not only would a huge portion of my pay go to childcare, but he knows I would be unhappy, and he feels it's his place to work to pay the bills and not mine, considering we have two wee little ones at home. I'm not closed to the idea though that if I absolutely HAD to, I'd get a job. But right now, I guess he feels like that if there's something else he can do, he's willing to do it. We prayed too long and too hard for me to be home with the kids, and God answered that prayer, and for me to jump on the opportunity to make some serious dollars, just wouldn't be right without considering what God's will is for me. Plan B WILL generate a little cashflow, but less time with Michael. But maybe not really...he'll have to leave for his night job at 10 p.m. and get home by 2:30 or 3:00 a.m. I will probably just lay on the couch and watch TV 'til I fall asleep anyway. I almost hope he can work it out with his day job to go in one hour later because I just think he's going to really be grumpy on 5 hours of sleep. Of course, he hasn't actually GOTTEN the job yet, but we are pretty sure he will. He applied online last night, and then he has to go to some application thing next Monday or Tuesday. With peak season upon us, and the fact that he's worked there before, it will probably get him the job.

One last thing, here's a little humor for the day:

HERE are some pictures from this past Saturday's football game at ASU. Enjoy!

I know we live in a day and age where parents like to let their kids run wild and free and stuff, but I just witnessed some neighbors across the street allow their child, younger than Travis, run to the curb, they weren't even watching the little girl, and then she ran across the street and back, by herself, no one reprimanded her, they didn't even notice. This really sickened me because I know how people fly down our street as soon as they round the corner at the top of the hill, and then they don't even stop at the stop sign three houses past mine. The whole street is downhill, and people love to fly down it. I couldn't even complain to the Horn Lake Police Department if I wanted to, because yes, even the cops that come through here are FLYING! When me & Travis go out front to play, if he even gets within 2 yards of the SIDEWALK, I'm like yelling at him to get back up in the yard. The thought of some idiot going 40+ mph past the "CHILDREN PLAYING" sign and running over my babies makes me ill. I am sitting here at the computer, looking out the living room window, and there are four adults standing there chatting in their driveway, all the while this cute little girl is running around, and you'd think they didn't know there was a little girl playing in the yard, darting towards the street every few minutes. I say they are my neighbors, but I don't know their names and have never talked to them. This is actually only the 2nd or 3rd time I've even SEEN them. Most the time the house stays shut up, the cars are enclosed in the garage, and there are no lights on.

While I'm on the subject of neighbors, it'd be kind of nice in neighbors today were like the ones from say 20 years ago. When I was 4 or 5, all the kids on my street got together and played. Now, I'm doing good to wave at my next door neighbor to the left as I drive by, and talk to the neighbor on the other side while his kids are outside playing. I've never spoken to the people across the street. Directly across is a couple that works at the casinos (I know this by their uniforms and their weird work schedule.) and they have one little boy, elementary school age. On one side of him is a single black man that keeps his yard looking really nice and owns 2 or 3 cars. The only problem out of him is that sometimes he'll have his friends over from Shelby County and they will turn up the bass waaay too loud at 9 o'clock at night. Then on the other side is an elderly man, and I don't think there's a wife around anymore. He has a really big, friendly dog, he's always letting out in the front yard to take care of business. This old man is our "neighborhood watch" person, you could say. I guess he watches from his front window and observes what's going on, and tells the rest of the neighbors. He's kind of nosey because one time he saw our next door neighbor pack up his vehicle and leave for a couple weeks and assumed the couple was getting a divorce. Come to find out, the guy that packed his bags and left is from New Jersey and was going home to visit for a few weeks. But at the same time, it's kind of good that the old man is observant, if there ever was an actual crime to take place on our street. And then there's my friend down the street as you start going steep uphill. She has a little girl not much younger than Travis, and she used to come over a lot, but she disagrees with a lot of my religious beliefs, so I guess she goes home offended and keeps away for months at a time until she gets bored again and comes back down. Don't know how I got off on all that.

Now, the grand finale. I got offered a job today. An administrative position in Olive Branch. With benefits. With a salary to the tune of 30K a year. Now I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, because just this weekend I was really stewing over our money situation and how we could REALLY use some extra money. But it would just break my heart to leave my babies at a daycare now that I've been home with them a little over a year now. So here's my pros and cons of taking this job:

PROs:
1. We are paying the bills, but it's a struggle to pay everything ON TIME.
2. Get out of debt.
3. Actually have money to do things with the kids.
4. Health insurance...also very much needed. As things stand right now, Michael or me can't go to the doctor without either borrowing the money or getting deeper into debt by sticking it on a credit card.
5. I could get out of the house more, which everyone tells me I need to do more of.
6. Would have a sense of accomplishment, self-worth, and help contribute to the family income.
7. The job is in Olive Branch, which means it's closer to home and wouldn't have to drive to Memphis every day.

CONs:
1. Would be away from the kids most of the day, and the thoughts of that breaks my heart.
2. Would have to find a sitter or daycare, and those things cost $$$....for two kids, $600 a month at BEST, if you find a private in-home sitter, and what's the chances of finding one of those with TWO openings?
3. I still believe that little ones need to be with their MOMMA, not someone else caring for them most of the day.
4. Would never get my house clean or get laundry done.
5. Back to suppers in a sack...no time to cook.
6. I would get depressed, and get fatter.
7. Marriage would suffer as it did before.
8. Would have to cancel Jacob's physical therapy.
9. The strong temptation to take on more bills would be there if we were bringing in more money, and then we would become extremely dependent on the money I make, meaning I'd never be able to quit again.
10. I wouldn't have time to help Michael with his school work anymore.

On paper, the cons outweigh the pros, but financial struggles keep me awake at night. Maybe I should just STOP WORRYING and put it in God's hands. HE allowed me to be able to stay home, He has provided for us for over a year now, so why would He stop now? I still believe in my heart that being home with my children is where God wants me, but I also know that God wants us to pay our bills on time. We have always had everything we needed, but I have a hard time dealing with it when I want to buy Travis something or take him to do something, like the zoo or Chuck E. Cheeses and I have to tell him NO. And when the kids get older, it's going to get worse. When it's time for T-ball, and other sports as they get older, I do NOT want to have to tell them there's no way we can afford it. I just keep telling myself God will provide, but then I keep doubting. God provides our needs, and also some desires. I guess the things God knows we need and the things God wants us to have, He'll give to us, and the rest just isn't meant to be. The spirit of the flesh wants to do everything "my way", but I have to lean AWAY from that, and lean INTO what God's will is for me. If I get out of God's will, I'm not going to be happy. I am happy now, just worried sometimes about the money. The amount of money a person makes is not going to supply happiness. It sure is easy to start thinking that way, but I've got to stop that. Just pray for me and that there will be a relief to the situation.

There are lots of less important things I could blog about right now, but the one thing I can't get off my mind is last night. We spent last night in Jonesboro, Arkansas, watching what could have been one of the most embarassing losses in Tiger football history. There wasn't much time left in the 4th quarter, maybe 4:00 or so. We were about ready to just give it up and make the hike back to the car and get the heck out of Jonesboro. A LOT of fans did. But then something held us back. "Let's just wait and see what happens," Michael said. My heart had sank so many times that night as we watched ASU score touchdown after touchdown, and all of our dropped balls. I was purely frustrated and thoroughly dreading the drive back home, doubting whether or not I wanted to make the drive to Birmingham the following weekend to watch the Tigers play UAB. Then suddenly, there was a change of wind, a feeling in the air, and indescribable sense that something was about to happen. It all started with an AWESOME play...the PLAY OF THE YEAR, in my honest opinion, (and it's only the 3rd game of the season). ASU's quarterback got sacked, he dropped the ball, and we ran it in for a touchdown. Pure electricity jolted through the air as Tiger fans went crazy. Everyone in our section was jumping all over the place, high-fiving, hugging, screaming. Then we held our breath as it was only a matter of seconds before we scored another touchdown to put the Tigers in the lead for the first time all night. Then ANOTHER touchdown! HOLY COW!!! THREE TOUCHDOWNS in under 4 minutes time, and the Tigers won 47-35. I nearly got knocked on my rear in all the commotion and got elbowed in the chin, but I wasn't feeling a thing but the tears stinging my eyes. Those tears weren't from the pain, they were from the pure joy of knowing we pulled it off. This year's Tigers...they are a miracle team. As Michael puts it, "A Team of Destiny." ASU was in no way our biggest opponent this year...actually, the Tigers were expected to have this game won by the 3rd quarter. It's simply the fact that we were finished...we were done...it was over...and these Tigers just didn't quit. They gave it all they had and let it lose when it counted. I sort of feel sorry for ASU fans. They had it won up until the end. This WAS their biggest night in ASU football history, we WERE their biggest opponent of the year, ESPECIALLY after receiving #25 in the AP Poll last week, and they had a record attendance on hand. The ASU Indians brought their "A" game, and just when I thought we brought our "F" game, we didn't bring out OUR "A" game, but instead we brought our roaring, prowling, pouncing TIGER game!!! These are NOT the same 'ol Tigers. These Tigers are WINNERS and I simply cannot WAIT to see how the remainder of the season unfolds!!! All I've got to say now is....

HOW 'BOUT THEM TIGERS!!!

And Blazers, THE TRAIN IS COMIN' ON DOWN YOUR WAY, SO YOU BEST BE READY TO PUT UP A FIGHT!!!