I know we live in a day and age where parents like to let their kids run wild and free and stuff, but I just witnessed some neighbors across the street allow their child, younger than Travis, run to the curb, they weren't even watching the little girl, and then she ran across the street and back, by herself, no one reprimanded her, they didn't even notice. This really sickened me because I know how people fly down our street as soon as they round the corner at the top of the hill, and then they don't even stop at the stop sign three houses past mine. The whole street is downhill, and people love to fly down it. I couldn't even complain to the Horn Lake Police Department if I wanted to, because yes, even the cops that come through here are FLYING! When me & Travis go out front to play, if he even gets within 2 yards of the SIDEWALK, I'm like yelling at him to get back up in the yard. The thought of some idiot going 40+ mph past the "CHILDREN PLAYING" sign and running over my babies makes me ill. I am sitting here at the computer, looking out the living room window, and there are four adults standing there chatting in their driveway, all the while this cute little girl is running around, and you'd think they didn't know there was a little girl playing in the yard, darting towards the street every few minutes. I say they are my neighbors, but I don't know their names and have never talked to them. This is actually only the 2nd or 3rd time I've even SEEN them. Most the time the house stays shut up, the cars are enclosed in the garage, and there are no lights on.

While I'm on the subject of neighbors, it'd be kind of nice in neighbors today were like the ones from say 20 years ago. When I was 4 or 5, all the kids on my street got together and played. Now, I'm doing good to wave at my next door neighbor to the left as I drive by, and talk to the neighbor on the other side while his kids are outside playing. I've never spoken to the people across the street. Directly across is a couple that works at the casinos (I know this by their uniforms and their weird work schedule.) and they have one little boy, elementary school age. On one side of him is a single black man that keeps his yard looking really nice and owns 2 or 3 cars. The only problem out of him is that sometimes he'll have his friends over from Shelby County and they will turn up the bass waaay too loud at 9 o'clock at night. Then on the other side is an elderly man, and I don't think there's a wife around anymore. He has a really big, friendly dog, he's always letting out in the front yard to take care of business. This old man is our "neighborhood watch" person, you could say. I guess he watches from his front window and observes what's going on, and tells the rest of the neighbors. He's kind of nosey because one time he saw our next door neighbor pack up his vehicle and leave for a couple weeks and assumed the couple was getting a divorce. Come to find out, the guy that packed his bags and left is from New Jersey and was going home to visit for a few weeks. But at the same time, it's kind of good that the old man is observant, if there ever was an actual crime to take place on our street. And then there's my friend down the street as you start going steep uphill. She has a little girl not much younger than Travis, and she used to come over a lot, but she disagrees with a lot of my religious beliefs, so I guess she goes home offended and keeps away for months at a time until she gets bored again and comes back down. Don't know how I got off on all that.

Now, the grand finale. I got offered a job today. An administrative position in Olive Branch. With benefits. With a salary to the tune of 30K a year. Now I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, because just this weekend I was really stewing over our money situation and how we could REALLY use some extra money. But it would just break my heart to leave my babies at a daycare now that I've been home with them a little over a year now. So here's my pros and cons of taking this job:

PROs:
1. We are paying the bills, but it's a struggle to pay everything ON TIME.
2. Get out of debt.
3. Actually have money to do things with the kids.
4. Health insurance...also very much needed. As things stand right now, Michael or me can't go to the doctor without either borrowing the money or getting deeper into debt by sticking it on a credit card.
5. I could get out of the house more, which everyone tells me I need to do more of.
6. Would have a sense of accomplishment, self-worth, and help contribute to the family income.
7. The job is in Olive Branch, which means it's closer to home and wouldn't have to drive to Memphis every day.

CONs:
1. Would be away from the kids most of the day, and the thoughts of that breaks my heart.
2. Would have to find a sitter or daycare, and those things cost $$$....for two kids, $600 a month at BEST, if you find a private in-home sitter, and what's the chances of finding one of those with TWO openings?
3. I still believe that little ones need to be with their MOMMA, not someone else caring for them most of the day.
4. Would never get my house clean or get laundry done.
5. Back to suppers in a sack...no time to cook.
6. I would get depressed, and get fatter.
7. Marriage would suffer as it did before.
8. Would have to cancel Jacob's physical therapy.
9. The strong temptation to take on more bills would be there if we were bringing in more money, and then we would become extremely dependent on the money I make, meaning I'd never be able to quit again.
10. I wouldn't have time to help Michael with his school work anymore.

On paper, the cons outweigh the pros, but financial struggles keep me awake at night. Maybe I should just STOP WORRYING and put it in God's hands. HE allowed me to be able to stay home, He has provided for us for over a year now, so why would He stop now? I still believe in my heart that being home with my children is where God wants me, but I also know that God wants us to pay our bills on time. We have always had everything we needed, but I have a hard time dealing with it when I want to buy Travis something or take him to do something, like the zoo or Chuck E. Cheeses and I have to tell him NO. And when the kids get older, it's going to get worse. When it's time for T-ball, and other sports as they get older, I do NOT want to have to tell them there's no way we can afford it. I just keep telling myself God will provide, but then I keep doubting. God provides our needs, and also some desires. I guess the things God knows we need and the things God wants us to have, He'll give to us, and the rest just isn't meant to be. The spirit of the flesh wants to do everything "my way", but I have to lean AWAY from that, and lean INTO what God's will is for me. If I get out of God's will, I'm not going to be happy. I am happy now, just worried sometimes about the money. The amount of money a person makes is not going to supply happiness. It sure is easy to start thinking that way, but I've got to stop that. Just pray for me and that there will be a relief to the situation.