This is going to be short, because I need a nap, but I am feeling better today. I still feel kinda BLAH though, and it's really REALLY starting to scare me. I did the dishes this morning that Michael promised me a million times yesterday he'd do, and I nearly gagged. Not that there was anything particularly gross about this mountain of dishes, I just can't really explain it, other than that is how I felt BOTH times I turned up pregnant. Every smell is magnified by like a HUNDRED TIMES and things that normally don't bother me leave me hurtling to the bathroom or the nearest barf bag. I was determined to get out of the house this afternoon and take Travis to do SOMETHING since I didn't get to take him to the farm today, so we had lunch at Chik-Fil-A. What started out as a pleasant afternoon lunch with my kids, turned into every parent's nightmare. A screaming kid who refuses to come out "kiddie land". I gave him a fair 5-minute warning, which ALWAYS works, until today, of course, while in public, to let him know that he had 5 more minutes to play and then it'd be time to go. Well, when 5 minutes was up, he would have nothing of it. What made this worse is I had Jacob in tow, and I finally had to sit Jacob down on the floor and grab Travis by the arm, pick him up, and spank his butt in front of everyone, which virtually does NOTHING without actually pulling his pants down...skin contact stings a lot more...and so all that resulted from this spanking was him screaming even LOUDER. I picked up Jacob in one arm, and yanked Travis up off the floor with the other. Holding his hand to lead him out of the restaurant, I ended up literally DRAGGING him out on his knees, screaming bloody murder. (Travis was screaming bloody murder, not me.) Finally I just left him there and said "Fine, bye" and me and Jacob proceeded to the exit, all the while patrons entering were looking at us like we were from another planet, and Travis started screaming "I wanna go bye bye!" and then he followed me out the door, I took the kids out to the car, buckled them in their carseats and pulled Travis' pants down just enough to get a bare leg and popped him a good 3 times. More screaming and crying followed. We had a couple other stops to make before going to Target to buy Travis some much needed fall/winter clothes. The kids did pretty good in there until I started looking at shoes, and I guess by that time they were bored/tired, so Jacob started getting fussy, so I gave him his juice cup, which he flat drained in about 2 minutes and tossed it out of the buggy. So we hurried up to the nearest checkout with the shortest line, Jacob still screaming. And about that time, Travis started whining that he wanted out of the buggy so he could push it himself, to which I replied "NO" and then he proceeded to beg for some crackers he saw on a nearby shelf. You wouldn't believe what the cashier had the nerve to say to me......"I've got to hurry up and get y'all out of here because your kids' crying is grating on my nerves!" I just looked at her, bugged my eyes out and said, "I'm so sorry!! They are KIDS and they are TIRED!" I mean, how freaking ignorant!!!! About that time, Travis started whining that he wanted out of the buggy so he could push it, to which I replied "NO" and then he proceeded to beg for some crackers he saw on a nearby shelf. We hurried out of there after I paid for everything, and once I loaded them in the car, they were quiet as little mice. I wish now I'd gotten that cashier's name. Maybe I could have written a complaint letter to Target and get a discount or a gift card or something, but I was in such a hurry to get out of there and give that rude witch some peace and quiet, that I didn't think to look. Maybe there's a cashier number on the receipt...hmmmm. Every time I get ready to go anywhere with the kids, I have to pray "Lord, please give me patience to deal with the rude people I will more than likely face out in the public world." Which I believe He does give me some degree of patience, but after awhile, it runs thin. SO...for anybody that is concerned about me staying home all the time and not going out much, THIS is a very good example as to WHY I don't. (And yes, I have had family members tell me I need to get out more.) Little kids, restaurants, and department stores just do not mix. And for now, being a stay-at-home Mom is what I do. I STAY HOME!!!

My stomach is very empty right now, but I am very afraid to put anything in it. Some mom brought her sick kid and husband to church on Sunday, and the Pastor, another mom that worked in the nursery on Sunday, another mom that wasn't in the nursery, another lady that's not a mom, myself and Travis, ALL got it. Let's just say I "redecorated" the bathroom at around 6:30 this morning. And I found temporary residence on the couch all day today, minus the multiple trips to the bathroom. Thank the Lord Michael was able to take off work and stay home and help with the kids, okay, so he took care of the kids while I did NOTHING, or I wouldn't have made it through the day, I don't think. He fed the kids their lunch, changed diapers, picked up the living room and the kitchen, and went to the grocery store for me. Well, so he picked up the living room only when I threatened to stumble off the couch and pick everything up myself because I got so sick of looking at it, but he still got it done. :-) I was feeling FINE last night. Travis got sick on Monday night, and Tuesday I felt a little blah, but Wednesday I felt fine, and then around 2:30 a.m. I was awakened out of a deep sleep, having some weird dream, and I had to run to the bathroom, broke out into a sweat, cut the heater off, and laid down on the couch for the remainder of the night, with small trash can in tow. The problem was, when I got up around 6:30 a.m. to make yet another treck to the bathroom, I made the stupid mistake of not taking the trash can with me, and, sorry for the gross details, but I was sitting on the commode and lost last night's supper not only in the bathroom floor, but on the walls, the side of the tub, the bath mat, and my pajamas. So following my upheaval, I had to disinfect everything. I felt a little better after all of that, laid back down on the couch, and our crazy, stupid cat jumped up in the ficus tree, pulled it down on the ground, and was rustling the leaves like a jungle cat, nonstop, and I couldn't even so much as doze off. Not long after that, Travis got out of bed and found me on the couch and he demanded his usual Pop Tart, and I told him "Go wake up Daddy and tell him. Tell Daddy I'm sick," and next thing you know, Michael came into the living room where I was sprawled out across the couch and said "Mama? Are you okay? Travis told me you were sick." I didn't have to say anything at all. It was obvious I was stricken with the crud. Today was awful though. It was nice to have Michael here, but the TV was on nonstop, I couldn't catch a nap for anything, and Travis constantly wanted to throw his football or baseball interchangeably. No rest for the weary! Maybe I will get in the bed earlier tonight and catch up on missed sleep. I don't feel YUCK anymore, just weakened, and I'm hungry, but scared to eat. All I've had today is a few ice chips and a few sips of 7-Up.

Project Run, the organization that takes care of Jacob's physical therapy, is having a "Day on the Farm" tomorrow somewhere in Hernando. I have been telling Travis about it ALLLL WEEK, and he has asked all week about going to the farm, and now I don't think we're going to get to go, and so now I'm going to have to make it up to him somehow. I feel so bad because I'm always trying to take him to different fun things, and somebody always gets sick or something.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again...

God should've made Moms where they wouldn't ever get sick, because when Mama is out of commission, everything, and I do mean everything, gets out of whack... including plans!

I had mixed feelings and false information about stem cell research until this morning. The alarm radio is set on AM 640, a Christian talk radio station, and Focus on the Family with Dr. James Dobson was on the air when the alarm went off. They were discussing stem cell research, and Dr. Dobson was taking a few minutes to give his opinions on the whole issue. The media has been misleading Americans (big surprise there) about it, and it is even being used as political leverage in the upcoming Presidential election.

What I did NOT know is that embryonic stem cells have not been found to be useful at all, and in fact, can do more harm than good when used in an attempt to treat diseases, not to mention the fact that the embryos DIE when embryonic stem cells are used. However, it's the ADULT stem cells, found in places such as bone marrow and the pancreas, and also cord blood stem cells, that are showing promise. The removal of THESE stem cells does not cause any harm to the donor, and often times a person's OWN stem cells can be used to treat his/her disease instead of having to wait on a donor. President Bush budgeted $25 million for stem cell research this past year, and this had folks in a tizzy, but in actuality, it was for ADULT stem cell research and cord blood stem cells. NOT stem cells from embryos.

It's amazing what horrible lies the media tries to feed us...then again, it's not.

As if things for struggling low-income families aren't hard enough.

And on a lighter note...

THIS is the funniest thing I've seen in awhile. It takes awhile to load if you're still in the prehistoric age with dial-up, but it is worth it. And just as a fair warning, I'd say it's probably rated PG-13, maybe R, but it's about the upcoming Presidential Election, so go figure, lol.

I have been saved since August of 1999, over 5 years now. Ever since that time, I have grown spiritually, I have had needs met, I have experienced victory over things in my life I'd have never been able to conquer on my own. I have felt joy and peace within about things most people would fall into a state of depression over. And if you've never been truly saved, I invite you to find out how. However, during this same Christian walk, like any other person that is a born again Christian, I have been discouraged countless times. I have failed God, my family, even my friends at least on one occassion along the way. Yet my loving and gracious God still casts his mercy down upon me every time.

You have to understand that when a Christian gets discouraged, it is so easy to go to everyone but the Lord to seek help, answers and guidance. My first mistake has always been not going to the Lord in prayer first and foremost. It's so easy to confide in my husband, or a close Christian friend, or to dial up the Pastor or his wife, or even worse, a friend that is not a Christian, and has never walked in the Spirit. Proverbs 29:25 says, "The fear (respect) of man bringeth a snare: but whoso putteth his trust in the Lord shall be safe." So it's in the Bible...confiding in man, especially those of the world, is a trap, it's of the devil, and will do you no good in the longrun. So because I didn't get on my knees to pray and pour my heart out to God, I became more and more discouraged, and then I didn't feel like reading my Bible. When I got out of my Bible regularly, I had then given up my defensive weapon against the powers of Satan. I soon began listening to my "old music" again, which did nothing for me but bring back old memories that I have no business digging up again. I also started watching shows on TV again that I shouldn't be allowing to filter into my home or to fill my children's little minds that absorb everything like a sponge. Then I became depressed, and even started doubting God in such a way that I started to think I can live my life "my way" and can ignore what His Will is for me, and still be "okay". My guard was then lowered almost to the point of non-existence, and I started thinking and feeling impure thoughts, and as much as I am ashamed to admit it, had even thought about ways I could carry out such impure thoughts. The "music" and "shows" simply fed these impure thoughts more and more, and since I was out of my Bible, I was only feeding my fleshly appetite, and not feeding my spiritual appetite. These are the ingredients for a recipe of destruction in one's testimony. Then I began to wonder if I deserve to have the position I have in church over the music department and also as a Sunday School teacher. I have always been taught that God cannot use a dirty vessel, and that is exactly what I felt like I had become, and I felt as if I had nowhere to turn. It got to the point to where I didn't want to call my Christian friends on the phone or hang out with them any more because I didn't want to hear them talk about the blessings of God on their lives. While it's obvious I have been blessed with many, many wonderful things, my old, rebellious, fleshly spirit was making a comeback, and my heart felt sick. I even missed a couple church services, because I was sick, but in reality, I could have went on to church, even though I was not feeling well. I simply allowed the devil to make the decision for me; afterall, I was wandering farther and farther away from God, so I didn't ask Him to help me with this either.

The world will tell you that it's okay to "live a little", because "you only live once". It's true that you only live once on this earth, but for someone who has vowed to live her life for God, and then to wander away from that vow, and so easily, it is a very dangerous mindset to entertain. Satan will try to make you doubt whether or not you are even saved. Satan will make you doubt the calling on your life. This is exactly what happened to me. All because I didn't get real, spiritual answers at the beginning. It's like maintaining a car. If you don't do some preventative maintenance, like changing the oil and rotating the tires when you're supposed to, you will pay a much greater price later on. To take this a step further, if you take your car to someone other than a mechanic, someone that knows very little about cars, chances are, that car isn't going to run properly after that, and then the damages can be even worse. I wasn't following my "preventative maintenance" regimen, and I was seeking wrong avenues of help, so I found myself going down the wrong street. I needed help, and I finally prayed for refuge, for God to show me what it was that I needed to do. I have been saved for over 5 years, and one would think the answer would be simple, but I was confused and sinking into a pit of despair. My sweet spirit and sweet peace was just a distant memory, and I couldn't find it anymore, and I certainly didn't like the person I was becoming. Most people that know me and see me on a regular basis most likely never saw this going on inside me, but it was an internal struggle, and if I didn't make things right, soon things would start to be visible in the way I was living my life. The "Fruits of the Spirit" you can sometimes fake, but after awhile, your sins will find you out, and then what?

Well, as anyone that reads this blog knows, we went to a Camp Meeting last Thursday and Friday. I became more aware of my inner struggle, and the whole time, my heart was in turmoil. I had some things I needed to make right between me and God, and I had some things I needed to just give over to God. NOT just go to the altar, say that I'm giving them over to God, and then on the way back to my church pew, pick them back up and carry them on my shoulders again. Well, some of the messages I heard confused me even more. I was even made to feel like if I was or wasn't doing things I was and wasn't doing, then maybe I really wasn't saved. But I realized that this was only SATAN trying to talk me out of my Salvation, for I KNOW I am saved. I know what Jesus did for me and I accepted it in my heart over 5 years ago. Not only that, but it has been far too evident in my life for it to not be true that I'm truly saved by the blood of Jesus Christ.

This past Sunday morning, getting ready to get out the door to go to church was nothing short of hell on earth. We got up late, so everything had to be done in turbo mode to get out the door on time. Michael and I didn't exchange very pleasant words, while at home and even all the way to church. Whenever we have a Sunday morning like this, I know that the Lord has something for me at church that I need in a very big way. But this past Sunday morning, the sermon was so beautiful, my throat tightened and tears welled up in my eyes because I knew that the Lord had answered my prayer and had given a man of God, my Pastor, the manna from heaven that I needed to feed my hungry spirit. Tears rolled down my cheeks when Psalm 32 was read:

1 Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. 2 Blessed is the man unto whom the Lord imputeth not iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no guile. 3 When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long. 4 For day and night they hand was heavy upon me: my moisture is turned into the drought of summer. Selah. 5 I acknowledge my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the Lord; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin. Selah. 6 For this shall every one that is godly pray unto thee in a time when thou mayest be found: surely in the floods of great waters they shall not come nigh unto me. 7 Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance. Selah. 8 I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye. 9 Be ye not as the horse, or as the mule, which have no understanding: whose mouth must be held in with bit and bridle, lest they come near unto thee. 10 Many sorrows shall be to the wicked: but he that trusteth in the Lord, mercy shall compass him about. 11 Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, ye righteous: and shout for joy, and ye that are upright in the heart.

After hearing yesterday's sermon, I knew that I had not been seeking the Lord as my "hiding place" and that is exactly what I needed to be doing all along. I was not using my precious resources that God has given me. God sent his own son, Jesus, to die for my wicked sins, and if He could do THAT, then there is nothing too big or too small for Him to handle, so why did I fail and try to take matters in my own hands? All I can do now is simply ask the Lord to forgive me and help me to always seek HIM FIRST!! I am nothing...I can do nothing on my own. Praise God that I am saved and He can pick me up and dust me off , time after time, and use me again for His Glory. I am so undeserving of his countless mercies, and will never be able to praise Him enough this side of Heaven.

With that, here are the wonderful words to an old hymn, "Haven of Rest". Interestingly enough, God worked in the services yesterday and this was the song the Ladies' Group sang. None of this was coordinated on purpose...it wasn't a coincedence....it was simply the hand of God.

Every single time I have doubted the hand of God on my life, He has always made his presence known and has made his presence very real to me. My God is alive and so very real today and I only pray that everyone that reads this already knows Him or will come to know Him while there is still time.

I just wanted to share that my cat is a nutcase. Yesterday he made his way into the laundry area (not quite big enough to be considered a room), took my feather duster out of my cleaning bucket, and pranced...yes, pranced... into the living room while carrying it in his mouth. He must have thought it was a bird. He then proceeded to chew on it and yank little pieces out of it. You know, if he wants to take up house cleaning, I wouldn't mind, but to mistake my feather duster for a bird, that's just nutty.

Superman is dead!!! :(

Yeah, it's late, but I can't get this song out of my brain.

(Note: If you tried to click the link to hear the song any earlier than 9:30 a.m. on 10/11/04, it probably didn't work for you. I changed it to mp3 format instead of the wma format, so it should work now.)

It's the song I am currently trying to learn. It is written and performed here by Daniel Waters, one of the singers that was at the camp meeting we went to last Thursday & Friday. He is one of those musicians that greatly inspires me. He plays by ear...can't read a note of music...writes songs. Like me. Except, I only wish I had a voice this powerful.

This is an awesome song. Gives me chills every time I hear it. What does everyone think about this song? Of course, even if there is anyone that reads this that doesn't like the song, it makes me no difference...I still LOVE it and God willing, I will be ready to sing/play it in church this Wednesday night.

Another blogging pal of mine gave me the idea to google my own name and see what the search results are, and this is one of the interesting things I found.

The Cardinals are now on their way to the National League Championship Series. This is bad. Michael is happy, but if the Cards go onto the World Series, he says he will find a way to go to one of the games in St. Louis. The reason this is bad is because the money is like not there? And Christmas is around the corner, and I am trying to go back to school. And we want to go to the bowl game if the Tigers make it that far this season, which everyone knows they will. Anybody have a money tree in their back yard?

Church today was just awesome. The sermon this morning was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I very much want to give more details on what it was about, but that will have to wait until tomorrow when the house is quieter so that I can really put some thought into it. Plus I will be less tired.

I have a lot of things to do tomorrow:

1. Ms. Terri (Jacob's teacher) will be here at 10:30 in the morning.
2. Must go to the grocery store to stock up on stuff.
3. Clean house
4. Do MORE laundry EVEN THOUGHT I just finished it all SATURDAY!!!
5. Baptist Heritage Conference at Bethel Baptist Church. We will be hearing Dr. Phil Kidd preach tomorrow night. If you haven't heard him, you've never heard a hell fire and brimstone preacher. Many of his messages include current issues of today. He even did an entire sermon on the Confederate Flag!!! You would be surprised, but there is some Biblical stuff on that very issue. One thing you must be forewarned about if you aren't used to his type of preaching, if any other sermon by any other preacher has ever stepped on your toes just a little, this man will probably make your jaw drop open. He is a very controversial speaker, so much so, he has had to wear a bullet proof vest while behind the pulpit...no lie.

Well, I could keep typing, but I've got to get some much needed sleep. Goodnight to all and to all a goodnight!