I have been saved since August of 1999, over 5 years now. Ever since that time, I have grown spiritually, I have had needs met, I have experienced victory over things in my life I'd have never been able to conquer on my own. I have felt joy and peace within about things most people would fall into a state of depression over. And if you've never been truly saved, I invite you to find out how. However, during this same Christian walk, like any other person that is a born again Christian, I have been discouraged countless times. I have failed God, my family, even my friends at least on one occassion along the way. Yet my loving and gracious God still casts his mercy down upon me every time.

You have to understand that when a Christian gets discouraged, it is so easy to go to everyone but the Lord to seek help, answers and guidance. My first mistake has always been not going to the Lord in prayer first and foremost. It's so easy to confide in my husband, or a close Christian friend, or to dial up the Pastor or his wife, or even worse, a friend that is not a Christian, and has never walked in the Spirit. Proverbs 29:25 says, "The fear (respect) of man bringeth a snare: but whoso putteth his trust in the Lord shall be safe." So it's in the Bible...confiding in man, especially those of the world, is a trap, it's of the devil, and will do you no good in the longrun. So because I didn't get on my knees to pray and pour my heart out to God, I became more and more discouraged, and then I didn't feel like reading my Bible. When I got out of my Bible regularly, I had then given up my defensive weapon against the powers of Satan. I soon began listening to my "old music" again, which did nothing for me but bring back old memories that I have no business digging up again. I also started watching shows on TV again that I shouldn't be allowing to filter into my home or to fill my children's little minds that absorb everything like a sponge. Then I became depressed, and even started doubting God in such a way that I started to think I can live my life "my way" and can ignore what His Will is for me, and still be "okay". My guard was then lowered almost to the point of non-existence, and I started thinking and feeling impure thoughts, and as much as I am ashamed to admit it, had even thought about ways I could carry out such impure thoughts. The "music" and "shows" simply fed these impure thoughts more and more, and since I was out of my Bible, I was only feeding my fleshly appetite, and not feeding my spiritual appetite. These are the ingredients for a recipe of destruction in one's testimony. Then I began to wonder if I deserve to have the position I have in church over the music department and also as a Sunday School teacher. I have always been taught that God cannot use a dirty vessel, and that is exactly what I felt like I had become, and I felt as if I had nowhere to turn. It got to the point to where I didn't want to call my Christian friends on the phone or hang out with them any more because I didn't want to hear them talk about the blessings of God on their lives. While it's obvious I have been blessed with many, many wonderful things, my old, rebellious, fleshly spirit was making a comeback, and my heart felt sick. I even missed a couple church services, because I was sick, but in reality, I could have went on to church, even though I was not feeling well. I simply allowed the devil to make the decision for me; afterall, I was wandering farther and farther away from God, so I didn't ask Him to help me with this either.

The world will tell you that it's okay to "live a little", because "you only live once". It's true that you only live once on this earth, but for someone who has vowed to live her life for God, and then to wander away from that vow, and so easily, it is a very dangerous mindset to entertain. Satan will try to make you doubt whether or not you are even saved. Satan will make you doubt the calling on your life. This is exactly what happened to me. All because I didn't get real, spiritual answers at the beginning. It's like maintaining a car. If you don't do some preventative maintenance, like changing the oil and rotating the tires when you're supposed to, you will pay a much greater price later on. To take this a step further, if you take your car to someone other than a mechanic, someone that knows very little about cars, chances are, that car isn't going to run properly after that, and then the damages can be even worse. I wasn't following my "preventative maintenance" regimen, and I was seeking wrong avenues of help, so I found myself going down the wrong street. I needed help, and I finally prayed for refuge, for God to show me what it was that I needed to do. I have been saved for over 5 years, and one would think the answer would be simple, but I was confused and sinking into a pit of despair. My sweet spirit and sweet peace was just a distant memory, and I couldn't find it anymore, and I certainly didn't like the person I was becoming. Most people that know me and see me on a regular basis most likely never saw this going on inside me, but it was an internal struggle, and if I didn't make things right, soon things would start to be visible in the way I was living my life. The "Fruits of the Spirit" you can sometimes fake, but after awhile, your sins will find you out, and then what?

Well, as anyone that reads this blog knows, we went to a Camp Meeting last Thursday and Friday. I became more aware of my inner struggle, and the whole time, my heart was in turmoil. I had some things I needed to make right between me and God, and I had some things I needed to just give over to God. NOT just go to the altar, say that I'm giving them over to God, and then on the way back to my church pew, pick them back up and carry them on my shoulders again. Well, some of the messages I heard confused me even more. I was even made to feel like if I was or wasn't doing things I was and wasn't doing, then maybe I really wasn't saved. But I realized that this was only SATAN trying to talk me out of my Salvation, for I KNOW I am saved. I know what Jesus did for me and I accepted it in my heart over 5 years ago. Not only that, but it has been far too evident in my life for it to not be true that I'm truly saved by the blood of Jesus Christ.

This past Sunday morning, getting ready to get out the door to go to church was nothing short of hell on earth. We got up late, so everything had to be done in turbo mode to get out the door on time. Michael and I didn't exchange very pleasant words, while at home and even all the way to church. Whenever we have a Sunday morning like this, I know that the Lord has something for me at church that I need in a very big way. But this past Sunday morning, the sermon was so beautiful, my throat tightened and tears welled up in my eyes because I knew that the Lord had answered my prayer and had given a man of God, my Pastor, the manna from heaven that I needed to feed my hungry spirit. Tears rolled down my cheeks when Psalm 32 was read:

1 Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. 2 Blessed is the man unto whom the Lord imputeth not iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no guile. 3 When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long. 4 For day and night they hand was heavy upon me: my moisture is turned into the drought of summer. Selah. 5 I acknowledge my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the Lord; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin. Selah. 6 For this shall every one that is godly pray unto thee in a time when thou mayest be found: surely in the floods of great waters they shall not come nigh unto me. 7 Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance. Selah. 8 I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye. 9 Be ye not as the horse, or as the mule, which have no understanding: whose mouth must be held in with bit and bridle, lest they come near unto thee. 10 Many sorrows shall be to the wicked: but he that trusteth in the Lord, mercy shall compass him about. 11 Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, ye righteous: and shout for joy, and ye that are upright in the heart.

After hearing yesterday's sermon, I knew that I had not been seeking the Lord as my "hiding place" and that is exactly what I needed to be doing all along. I was not using my precious resources that God has given me. God sent his own son, Jesus, to die for my wicked sins, and if He could do THAT, then there is nothing too big or too small for Him to handle, so why did I fail and try to take matters in my own hands? All I can do now is simply ask the Lord to forgive me and help me to always seek HIM FIRST!! I am nothing...I can do nothing on my own. Praise God that I am saved and He can pick me up and dust me off , time after time, and use me again for His Glory. I am so undeserving of his countless mercies, and will never be able to praise Him enough this side of Heaven.

With that, here are the wonderful words to an old hymn, "Haven of Rest". Interestingly enough, God worked in the services yesterday and this was the song the Ladies' Group sang. None of this was coordinated on purpose...it wasn't a coincedence....it was simply the hand of God.

Every single time I have doubted the hand of God on my life, He has always made his presence known and has made his presence very real to me. My God is alive and so very real today and I only pray that everyone that reads this already knows Him or will come to know Him while there is still time.