I don't know what my computer's malfunction is lately, but I only get to spend a few minutes online lately, and it seems like most of that time is wasted rebooting my computer a couple of times. I sign on just to check my bank account or whatever, and then all these annoying pop-ups from Internet Explorer rear their ugly heads, and this freezes up AOL. I have pop-up blocker...IN AOL, but then Internet Explorer is running on top of this, and THAT is where the pop-ups are coming from. Now I need to figure out how in the world to disable it.

In other news, Jacob has to go to the doctor today for his 1-year checkup. Yeah, I know it's over a month since he turned a year old, but this was the soonest his doctor could see him. I am not about to take my baby to any of those other quacks up there. Every time I've had to see one of the other doctors, they just brush things off with "Oh, it's nothing" or "It's just a virus" or "I'm not sure what it is...let's run some tests and see," and then they still can't figure it out. But Dr. Phillips, my kids' doctor, always likes to get to the bottom of things and he always goes into a lot of detail explaining things to me in terms that I can understand. Plus the kids seem to like him too...he has a great personality and you can tell he really loves his job.

Speaking of doctors, I need to go to the doctor. Not only has it been over a year since I've been to the female doctor (my mother is upset with me over this, but I don't have $300+ to get this taken care of), and not only has it been going on 2 years since I went to the dentist for a check-up and a cleaning, I also need to see a doctor about my left wrist. At first I thought it was artheritis building up, you know, from playing piano, and this past week or two, I've been playing overtime, trying to prepare a lot of music, but NOW I'm beginning to think it's a muscle strain. Or maybe it's a combination of the two. Maybe the arthritis flare-up was hurting, so I was using my hand differently to accomodate the pain, and as a result, strained a muscle in my hand. Who knows? Maybe I need some arthritis medicine? Maybe it's a stress injury? Once again, I can't afford to go get it checked out. So what can I do? I can't just QUIT playing piano, but at the same time, I don't want it to get worse. It doesn't really hurt while I play either...it hurts afterwards when I stop. Everyone keeps asking me if it's Carpel Tunnel, and I know it's not that....it's in a different part of the wrist and hand...it's more like on the top of my hand, and on the outside of the hand and wrist. And I have this big knot on the top-left of my wrist. It's like maybe there's excess fluid in there and maybe it needs to be drained. I knew a girl that happened to once. Maybe the fluid is just putting a lot of pressure on my hand too and it's causing me pain. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I need to go to the doctor to get it checked out, but I just can't afford it. I am afraid to put any strain or force on it at all in fear of worsening it. It's a struggle to pick up the kids in my arms...it's a struggle to do much of anything at this point. And I can't live on pain medicine for the rest of my life. I did some reading on the internet and it says the only REAL cure is to stop the action that caused it in the beginning, which for ME, is playing the piano. Anti-inflammatories, rest, warm-ups, exercises, massage, it's all well and good, but it is only a temporary fix, not a cure. Is this the devil fighting me, trying to make me stop doing a work for God, and which is testing my faith to see if God will heal me? Or is it God closing the door because He wants me to do other things in the church? I don't even know for sure how to tell the difference. I haven't even said anything to my Pastor yet because I don't feel ready to give up yet. I believe that this is my calling and God is using me, but what if He's finished with me in this part of the ministry? Surely not, but how do I really know? I just told Michael I'd rest it for a few days, give it a break, and see if it gets better. So I'm going to rest it today and tomorrow and see what happens. Just pray for me.